Friday, January 19, 2018

The Rebirth

It’s the 19th of January, 2018. I’m sitting at my work space reading an article on Business Insider about the marriage of Mackenzie and Jeff Besos and listening to Labrinth. And it hit me; I need to start writing again- like serious writing. I stop what I’m doing and I begin to script this piece. Today is a really good day. I feel great in my body minus the muscle aches from gym. I feel sound in my mind, hopeful and genuinely happy. Just a mere month ago I didn’t feel so happy and at peace. My mind was riddled with thoughts; diminishing ones, my health was on a downward spiral among other very personal matters I’m not ready to share just yet.

As 2018 approached I was skeptical, wanting to make a change for the better and stick to it this time. We all make those New Year’s resolutions and fall short along the way. I was determined however to stop living in my head and actually start living a fulfilling life- one that only I could give myself.
I woke up one morning, called my friend and said I wanted to start the gym. Sure enough he goes on mornings and that was exactly what I needed. For the past three weeks that has been my refuge, shutting out every other thing that bogs me down and putting myself in that mental space needed to take control of my life. And with the gym came the plan to do the whole30 “reset” diet for thirty days. No sugar, no alcohol, no dairy, no grains. It’s a lot, but you have to believe me when I say it’s worth it. I’m already half-way there.

I’m taking the time to take care of me first, shutting out those things and people that don’t deserve my attention at this very moment. This feels right- It feels right to say “no”. It feels right to say, “I think I need a break for now”. Slowly but surely I’m convinced that this is my time to become what I’m supposed to be. I look forward to coming on this platform to share my story with those who wish to listen. Hopefully it inspires someone to live their truth, as simply as possible.
Until next time…Love…Nisha…

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

I Want To Be Whole Again

It's 9:28pm, Monday evening and I am drained. It's been over two years since I've written a post on here and I honestly cant find the words. All I know is that I need to release and this is my outlet today, right now.

The thoughts and emotions that have led me here are not new at all, but they do seem overwhelming right now. Having been in a new place for six months and still feeling like an outsider has been depleting and honestly, I'm on the brink of giving up.

I'm supposed to be strong, aren't I? I think I am most times but I don't always want to be. I just want to be broken because that's how I feel. That feeling of not good enough, or an alien to the people around you, that's how I feel.

I want to be better, I want to be strong, I want to be whole but I'm not right now. I'm broken; the pieces of my life scattered before my eyes and I can't find the strength to pick up the pieces.

I wonder if anyone will read this, I wonder if I will even get the strength to post it for the world to see, but it's a start.I don't care who feels that I shouldn't post things like that for the world to see but that's me. Someone somewhere might be feeling the exact same way or may have some suggestions on how I could get out of this rut.

Bottom line is...I need to feel whole again. I need to pick up the pieces of my life. I have no choice right? My baby girl will be with me soon and I have to go on for her if not for anyone else.
I want to be whole for me this time though.. I need to be whole.

I want to be whole....RIGHT NOW...