Tuesday, July 12, 2016

I Want To Be Whole Again

It's 9:28pm, Monday evening and I am drained. It's been over two years since I've written a post on here and I honestly cant find the words. All I know is that I need to release and this is my outlet today, right now.

The thoughts and emotions that have led me here are not new at all, but they do seem overwhelming right now. Having been in a new place for six months and still feeling like an outsider has been depleting and honestly, I'm on the brink of giving up.

I'm supposed to be strong, aren't I? I think I am most times but I don't always want to be. I just want to be broken because that's how I feel. That feeling of not good enough, or an alien to the people around you, that's how I feel.

I want to be better, I want to be strong, I want to be whole but I'm not right now. I'm broken; the pieces of my life scattered before my eyes and I can't find the strength to pick up the pieces.

I wonder if anyone will read this, I wonder if I will even get the strength to post it for the world to see, but it's a start.I don't care who feels that I shouldn't post things like that for the world to see but that's me. Someone somewhere might be feeling the exact same way or may have some suggestions on how I could get out of this rut.

Bottom line is...I need to feel whole again. I need to pick up the pieces of my life. I have no choice right? My baby girl will be with me soon and I have to go on for her if not for anyone else.
I want to be whole for me this time though.. I need to be whole.

I want to be whole....RIGHT NOW...

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Home After a Year

It's been over a year since I last wrote a piece in my ever evolving journey of life. I have gone from trying to be eco- friendly to working in an area that seems so materialistic. During the time that you have not heard from me I have been writing alot; not for my blog but for work.

This is very interesting because never would I have thought that I would be working in media. It's really interesting how it all began. I wanted a job when I came back home and my dad sent me to someone who was looking for someone. He thought I would be a good edition to the writing aspect of the business but I wanted nothing to do with it.

I tried it any way and they absolutely loved my input. Strangely enough it wasn't so much my writing but my presenting! Me...a presenter....Hell no!! But I did it any way even if I didn't like being infront of the camera. I got used to it and made myself comfortable.

Unfortunately my term there would come to a short end because I was dealing with the grief of my estranged son Achilles. I had was still dealing with my family being split apart and trying to get a divorce which is still at a standstill. it pains me to know that he is out there and someone else is mothering him. I thank God for her but I still wish I could do it myself.

Last I heard from his dad, he was seemingly quite autistic, talking non- stop for hours, or chewing on odd objects. He even lodged a coin up his nose which his dad had to remove with a pair of tweezers! I cry when I hear how bad he seems to be. I think that he might never be "normal" or be able to get a job or live on his own because he would need someone to take care of him constantly. He is drawing near to age 5 and I worry..alot!

But mostly I wonder if he just needs his mother; that if I were around he would be alot better and wouldn't seem so unwell. I pray that God would bring us together again someday soon, when I would be able to mother him. Even if it were for months out the year. I really pray for that.

But back to work now...Yes.....I stopped for about 6 months....Went to the jungle for a bit...Had a chance to get myself together, have a bit of fun...gain some attention, help someone learn to love their self and learn to love others again.

And then I was without a job again...Trying desperately to find one......and not wanting to go back to media one......But it called to me, over and over again. That I needed to give it another shot.

There is a saying that if you get a second chance at something you're real lucky and you should make the most of it. That's exactly what I plan on doing.

And in the meantime Chaya my daughter is at school, loving every moment of it just like I did when I was her age. She brings such joy to me and I thank God for her every moment of every day.

So off I go.....til another time. Hopefully it won't be for this long again.

If you watch a catch of bit of me presenting the news you can watch it here!