Tuesday, July 12, 2016

I Want To Be Whole Again

It's 9:28pm, Monday evening and I am drained. It's been over two years since I've written a post on here and I honestly cant find the words. All I know is that I need to release and this is my outlet today, right now.

The thoughts and emotions that have led me here are not new at all, but they do seem overwhelming right now. Having been in a new place for six months and still feeling like an outsider has been depleting and honestly, I'm on the brink of giving up.

I'm supposed to be strong, aren't I? I think I am most times but I don't always want to be. I just want to be broken because that's how I feel. That feeling of not good enough, or an alien to the people around you, that's how I feel.

I want to be better, I want to be strong, I want to be whole but I'm not right now. I'm broken; the pieces of my life scattered before my eyes and I can't find the strength to pick up the pieces.

I wonder if anyone will read this, I wonder if I will even get the strength to post it for the world to see, but it's a start.I don't care who feels that I shouldn't post things like that for the world to see but that's me. Someone somewhere might be feeling the exact same way or may have some suggestions on how I could get out of this rut.

Bottom line is...I need to feel whole again. I need to pick up the pieces of my life. I have no choice right? My baby girl will be with me soon and I have to go on for her if not for anyone else.
I want to be whole for me this time though.. I need to be whole.

I want to be whole....RIGHT NOW...


  1. I really enjoy reading your blogs Nish. Just remember you are stronger than you feel. There are persons who may not have made it having gone through what you have. But guess what, you did. Remember that God's got you. Continue to remain strong and positive

  2. Thanks Varina! thanks for reading and sharing!!

  3. Stay strong Nisha. Focus on the small victories and draw spiritual strength from each one. Sit with yourself .... and read this ... from a father of your new home - it should help :)


  4. Three words for you baby girl "Don't give up". I love you. Praying for you.

  5. Nish Girlfriend,

    I may not understand your struggles but I know that they all exist in each of our lives. I am so proud of you and how strong you have been throughout all of it. Don't give up now. Now that you have set a good foundation for your daughter and yourself, there is no more space for NEGATIVITY or GIVING UP!!! Do not include those words in your vocabulary. Banish them and keep the focus. Your gold is not far from a few more hits in this dark and sweaty, hot and bothered, blood and tears, lost hope and doubt of a tunnel. JUST A FEW MORE HITS and you will find what it is you are deserving of and what you have been waiting for. GOD did not give up on you then, so why give up now? You have worked too hard for too long. BE YOU. BE STRONG. BE GOD FEARING! Your angel is present and good is all that follows if you believe my girl.

    Love you always Nish my darling.
    Your girl
    Tasha "Tasha P" Peltier